abre los ojos

ever since i came home to my mother being carted off in an ambulance that one night, i've been preparing for the sudden and tragic demise of the people close to me. a car crash, cancer, flash flood, suicide - all sorts of improbable scenarios cycle through my head when certain people don't call when they say they will.

this weekend ruben went out to the desert to shoot a film, and we thought nothing of it. the night before he went i had a dream about my parents going out to the desert. they showed me pictures of cheetahs that lived 20 feet away from where they were going to be staying. i begged them to not go, i could see their limbs being torn apart by a stealth large cat attack, but they went anyway. i looked at the map, and tried to squeeze all my feelings into one small suitcase which struggled to close.

the day ruben was supposed to come home, he didn't answer any of the messages i sent him. no doubt he was driving back, or entertaining his tired crew, or his phone battery had run out. but logic gave way to possibility, and i went to bed in an empty apartment, images of broken cars and dehydrated bodies flashing through my head.

i woke up with a start at 2am. he was still not home. i moved over to his side of the bed, so that if he finally came home, he would have to wake me to move over. falling asleep again was like taking a terrible gamble. i wanted nothing more than to escape my thoughts through sleep, but they would only disappear upon waking.

he came home half an hour later.