name game

i have this habit of cataloging people, arranging them in categories, flows, color codes and equations in an attempt to statistically resolve heartache, or something like it. for example: if alice plus billy was divided by kelly, does billy therefore equal bad news bears? answer: statement holds true if and only if alice was less than or equal to kelly. i've been collecting statistics on names for a while, trying to figure out the common denominator to people in my life. these are my conclusions thus far:

alan's are smooth criminals.
ashley's will be your friend for life.
dan's are strung out dreamers.
davids are upstanding, sometimes too much so. davy's are cool, and beware of dave's.
emily's will invariably remind you of your mother.
jill's have sloping noses and high cheekbones.
josh's are mentally unstable, but lots of fun.
lauren's are all-american, and lots of fun.
martha's thrive in winter.
meghan's have long brunette hair.
michael's are collected, expedient, and have a dry sense of humor. mike's are significantly wackier.
molly's you always want to love.
reed's have good posture.
ryan's will always be just friends, but gawd do they make you smile.
tim's are troublemakers.

and carol? i've only known one other carol in my life, and we both were quietly kooky.