shrink wrap

over the past unemployed months i've somehow become a how-to guide for losing weight. seriously. i ate a box of ice cream sandwiches within the last two days and even that couldn't weigh me down. the least i can do is share my wisdom, and then go get checked for tapeworms.

1. stop drinking. this cuts down on alcohol calories, and associated munchies. see: the mozzarella sticks and tofu wings at the late night diner right below my college apartment.
2. stop eating other people's food. see: all the office birthdays we celebrated with cupcakes.
3. but, eat your roommate's snacks instead of buying your own. the guilt and attempt at cover-up will make you snack less.
4. sit on your ass and let your muscle tone deteriorate (muscles weigh more than fat, yo!)
5. have impromptu dance parties with yourself. 1 hour of shaking it to janet jackson burns approximately 6000 calories.
6. develop a relationship with your local donut shop lady. you'll feel bad about asking your friend to make you a donut.

alternately: read michael pollan and vow to never eat from this industrial food chain again.